It’s not about what you planned,
Or what you would have liked…
It’s about what you have been given,
And what you choose to do with it…
Dec 2012, I hesitated in announcing the birth of our twin girls. I was in shock about Trinity’s amniotic banding. Actually, I was completely broken. It was the first time in my life that I let the darkness take me down, way way down. I truly didn’t think I would be ok.
What should have been a joyous event, a successful natural birth of our miracle twin girls, after a very difficult pregnancy, was marred by my reaction to my first born baby.
2.06pm they placed Trinity Joy on my chest…“There is something wrong with her” I was screaming. The doctors were telling me not to push, I was growing horrible feeling about the baby I held in my arms while the doctors were shoving the arm of the second twin back into me so they could get her out head first.
“There is something wrong with her hands!!” I was frantic, screaming, I needed help, someone to listen to me, but it was at that moment all about the next baby, Charlee Hope.
So down I crashed, mentally, emotionally and I am sure verbally… “What have I done?” I thought, we tried so hard to save these 2 girls from the clutches of Twin-to-twin Transfusion Syndrome that I didn’t stop to think that maybe they weren’t meant to be here. I had in my mind, birthed monsters, babies that I was sure were doomed and me along with them.
2.15pm twin 2 entered the world. Poor Charlee, she had an expected heart condition and she was born blue and was worked on instantly and after 9 mins was breathing on her own, but I was totally consumed with Trinity, with an ugly darkness in me, I didn’t even want to hold Charlee before they took her to the special care nursery, I didn’t even want the baby I held in my arms. I was so broken.
I cried and cried and cried, I demanded someone come and release the band that was constricting my babies thumb, I wasn’t leaving the birthing room without a surgeon seeing her! “Please” I thought, “Please at least save her thumb?”
Trinity was missing an index finger and the end of her ring finger on the opposite hand, she had an angry band around her thumb and her thumb was swollen like a balloon and black in colour, it looked sore and well, it frightened me. She had scars of rings on both wrists and on other fingers and toes, she is so incredibly lucky to have her hands! But her thumb, it was the end of my strength.
They told me it would ‘most likely self-amputate’ !!!! “Oh God, WHEN!? When I am feeding her, or bathing her or cuddling her? Maybe if I don’t cuddle her too much, it will be ok?” She was also born jaundice, so the whites of her eyes were yellow and because of my mental state a thought she must have also been blind. She wasn’t, but at that stage I was, I could see nothing but darkness about having a child that wasn’t ‘normal’. Dear Lord, I was SO BLIND. I thank God every day for opening my heart to the light that is true LOVE.
I now don’t have any problems with Trinity’s hands and sharing is my form of counselling.
Over the first months of the girls lives I needed help to clean, handle and manage Trinity’s thumb BUT a miracle was happening right before our eyes… slowly. When the black dead skin cells fell off there was pink skin underneath and we were SO relieved… over time the swelling has gone down to normal and it looks like the only plastic surgery she might need is on the bands to ensure they grow with her rather than cause any more constrictions, no reconstruction surgery. I can’t give her back her fingers, but her thumb works perfectly.
I look at her hands now, and I kiss them, she is so lucky to have them, and we are so blessed to have both of our miracle twins. Trinity was touched by something horrible and came out a fighter!
This FAITH, is our new normal, so full of love and acceptance and I want to influence every new parent, I want the world to know that YOU CAN overcome anything placed before you. You are given this life, because you are strong enough to live it!