I was 21 years old and completely in love when I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I did everything by the books, I was so excited to be a mommy I dreamed about holding my baby everyday. It was Dec/14/09 when I had a regular appointment at the OBGYN to find out the sex of My child at 22 weeks pregnant. Everything seemed right on tract. The doctor asked if we wanted to hear the baby’s heart beat for the 3rd time we agreed but this time it was a little different, The baby did not like when we tried to find the heart beat,(every time) baby would move all around to avoid the pressure, so when the doctor told us she couldn’t find the heartbeat but not to worry because we knew our baby was stubborn (This was the 2nd time this had happened so I was not too worried) We approached the ultra sound room, I got up on the table with the father of my child’s hand in mine the doctor turned the lights off and began.
Their was a horrible silent vibe I asked the doctor “is everything okay” she replied “ummm well I cant find the heart beat sweetie” I yelled back “well keep looking, what do you mean you cant find it” she pointed up at the screen and said “Do you see that, that is the heart and it has stopped beating, I am so sorry I have no idea what happened, we will find out as soon as you deliver” At that moment My life changed forever.
I thought I was dreaming I overcame a weird feeling that came over my hole body I cried so hard I threw up than passed out. Steven (the father of my child) was trying to be strong for me but he broke down as well. The doctor asked if he was okay to drive to the hospital he shook his head yes and we walked out, I threw up every 3 steps I took, Steven helped me into the car as soon as we started driving I was screaming at Steven “Crash the car I want to go with my baby crash the damn car” He just yelled over me “we will have another baby we have to do this God’s way”.
We finally approached the hospital their was a nurse waiting for us at the entrance I than called my closest friends and family to let them know the news three days later on Dec/17/09 at 8:03am I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy whom I named Christian Angel. My son Christian came silently into this world, he was born an Angel. My son only knew love he only felt love and nothing else. Christian was diagnosed with ABS the minute he was born.
ABS was wrapped around my baby’s left hand right leg and the umbilical cord witch cut of my sons supply and caused my child to die. I since than broke up with Steven and now I am currently trying to find my self again. losing a child is the most heart aching experience that I do not wish on the devil him self. I love my child right from the start and theirs nothing that can heal my heart, Although I can have more children I still love Christian he was my fist child and even if I have 10 kids one day that will not ease the pain I have to having lost him. I think about Christian everyday And I dream of the day I can hold him again in heaven!
In memory of Christian Angel 12/17/09
Sarah McCann
