When I was 20 weeks I was told that my son, Owen had bilateral clubbed feet and that his lower left leg was swollen. I was sent to a larger medical center for a level 2 ultrasound. Owen was diagnosed with ABS. We were told that his lower left leg was extremely swollen and would likely amputate itself in utero or need to be amputated at birth. We were also told that there was a band wrapped around his left hand, but they could not tell if he had fingers or not since the band was covering where they should be.
After numerous ultrasounds, we found out that he was missing fingers on his left hand, that his left toes were webbed and his big left toe was missing. There was also a band tying two goes on his right foot together. Aside from all of this, everything else looked great and he was expected to live a healthy, “normal” life despite a few physical challenges.
When I was 29 weeks, during one of my ultrasounds, the bloodflow in Owen’s umbillical cord reversed. I was admitted for observation and given magnesium sulfate and steroid shots in case he needed to be delivered early. After a weekend of ultrasounds and nonstress tests, everything looked perfect. The dr.s believed that it was some odd fluke that the bloodflow reversed momentarily. They figured he may have grabbed the cord for a minute. In any case, they wanted me to come back every other day for ultrasounds of his cord and nonstress tests. Three weeks later, after SEVERAL perfect ultrasounds and nonstress tests, I became concerned when Owen wasn’t moving much. I decided to go to the hospital to get checked out for peace of mind. The nurse was unable to find his heartbeat with doppler. Several doctors came into my room with an ultrasound machine. The room went quiet and one dr turned to me and said, “I’m so sorry.” At 32 weeks pregnant, I was given the option to be induced that day or to wait until I went into labor on my own (which could take a couple of weeks). I decided to be induced and 24 hours, gave birth to my beautiful, eternally sleeping baby boy, Owen. It’s been two months today since he was “born.” I miss him so badly. He was so incredibly beautiful. When he was born, we saw that there was a band wrapped tightly around the municipal cord.
Dec 10 2013 my first child, a son, passed. He kicked me that morning. He was gone by the afternoon during a routine 16 week appointment. We were actually hoping we’d find out the sex of the baby – instead he found no heartbeat. They couldn’t see anything in radiology. I was induced that afternoon. 11hrs later on Dec 11, I gave birth to our beautiful son, Kahanu. An amniotic band was wrapped tightly around his right leg that eventually cut off circulation to his sweet little heart. The band was starting to tighten around his left foot as well. It was right before Christmas. The night before this ultrasound we put up the FIRST ornament we ever got for the baby and it was the only ornament on the tree. We had tried for 5 years to get pregnant. 5 years of doctors, laparascopies, meds, etc… My heart stopped with his that day and it was a long road to recovery.
When we got home after we lost him – walking into the house and seeing that little blue booty ornament on the tree was more devastating than there are words for. On May 11 2014 (Mother’s Day) we spread his ashes in the ocean, brought gardenias that we whispered prayers into, kissed, and let the ocean take as well. As his birthday nears I feel it more than ever all over again. However, I have a reason to smile now. The day I checked out of the hospital I swore I wouldn’t stop trying. May 21 2014, I went in for my second IVF embryo transfer (the same way we had our first son) and hope returned. We needed this hope more than ever as Kahanu’s due date was rolling around – May 28. I was “hopefully” pregnant on that day and kept the faith. June 4th, blood test showed I was indeed pregnant again…..months later we found out we were expecting a little boy….again. We truly believe it is our son returned to us. Now I have a beautiful 9 month old boy that we will get to share every Christmas with.
Where there is love, there is hope. As a mother I know our hearts are tied with our babies in a way that is completely indescribable. Although I have my beautiful Caleb now, I feel the loss of my Kahanu boy sometimes and it hits hard…but I also feel this incredible memory of the LOVE….the excitement….his kicking….that bond. I hold on tight to that.
To all my sisters out there…….all my love……to all our babies out there….we will always love you.
Ten years later I still feel the sting on what you are going through. Love and compassion to you and your family. Time dulls the pain and you will realize a personal growth and strength that will allow you to heal and help others who unfortunately will face your same pain in years to come. I am personally forever changed for the better as a person from what my lost son taught me. That, and his healthy sisters that followed him, will be his legacy always.